Tweed Lion

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion reads the paper

Beard Talk

People talk to me about my beard everyday. That’s really, really weird.



This seems weird to you, but it’s actually the natural state and what you’re used to is highly unnatural. (Did your mind just blow?)


It’s weird because, unlike others, I can’t even see my beard, so I (apparently) think about it way less than others. It’s weird because this couldn’t possibly be an interesting thing to talk about. (Just imagine if I walked up to people and said, “Ooo, tell me about your eyebrows,” or “Why did you decide to go with a ponytail?”) And it’s weird because they ask all kinds of weird questions.

Below I try to answer questions that I’ve not only been asked, but that I’ve been repeatedly asked.



Q: Why did you decide to grow a beard?

A: It wasn’t elective. Hair grows on my face.


Q: Then why did you decide not to shave?

A: Every morning I get up at 5:30, check the weather report, look across the day’s schedule, and then I make a detailed pros and cons list about whether or not to shave. By 6:30 we start focus grouping. That leaves just enough time for a double regression analysis and to run the data by a counsel of elders. Usually I have my answer just before 8:00.


A: Be serious.

Q: What were you expecting? There is nothing interesting here. My decision not to shave was not some culmination of experience. I also wore a grey shirt today, but somehow you intuitively knew that wasn’t something worth asking me about. Why should the burden of your misplaced curiosities be laid at my feet?


Q: Are you trying to convey something?

A: It’s a bold statement about modern life and the role of man in a post-industrial world.


A: Be serious again.

Q: I haven’t mowed my lawn in two weeks; do you think that’s some kind of statement?


Q: What does your wife think?

A: A lot more than she says out loud, but I think it’s mostly stuff about making the world a better place. She also seems to think a lot about biology. And finances. Sometimes she thinks about politics and sociology. Oh, and she thinks about music a lot, too.


Q: No! I meant what does your wife think about your beard?

A: My wife is way more interesting than you are giving her credit for.


Q: Where did your beard go?

Q: I put it in my 2016 scrapbook. Where do you think my beard went?


Q: Seriously, what happened to your beard?

A: I retracted it. What do you think? I shaved. There is like no other way that anyone has ever gotten rid of a beard but shaving. Of course I shaved.


Q: Why did you decide to shave?

A: It’s an outward manifestation of deep spiritual change.


Q: I knew it! Really?

A: Nah, I’m just as lost and sad and minimally decent as I was before.


Q: Then why’d you really shave?

A: For some reason as mind-numbingly dull as why I’m not wearing that grey shirt anymore.




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Published on October 28, 2016 by .