Tweed Lion

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion reads the paper

The New Age: How Old You Seem

There is no shortage of proverbs about age. “Forty is the new thirty.” “You’re only as old as you feel.” “Age is a state of mind.” “Sir, the school cafeteria is just for children and employees.” Etc.

The point is, determining your age by your date of birth is so old fashioned. With the explosion of online quizzes, you can now figure out your age by your health, style, or emotional maturity. (Hint: emotionally mature people probably don’t need a buzzfeed quiz for validation.)

 

Proof that you can be Young and still be old. (Boo! Yes, I just booed my own joke.)

Proof that you can be Young and still be old. (Boo! Yes, I just booed my own joke.)

 

But for anyone concerned about age, the thing that really matters is how old do you seem. So, without further ado, I give you my highly scientific* new age calculator.

We will begin with the average age in the U.S.**, which is about 37.5, and then we will add or subtract years based on your answer to certain questions. Ready?

 

1. Are you a woman?

Yes. (+2)
No. (-2)
Sex is not strictly dichotomous. (0)
Tehehe, you said “sex.” (-2)

 

2. Can I call you at home on your landline?

Yes. (+5)
No. (0)
I do not understand the question. (-5)

 

3. Will you give me your business card?

Yes. (+5)
No. (-5)

 

4. Will you fax that over when you get a chance?

Of course! (+5)
Uh, sure. (0)
I’ll have my gal do it. (+10)
The hell? (-5)

 

At one point a bunch of men in blue shirts with white collars and suits with large shoulder pads got together and decided that "dingy yellow" would be the color of technology and the future.

One day a bunch of men in blue shirts with white collars and suits with large shoulder pads got together and decided that “dingy yellow” would be the color of technology and the future.

 

5. Is NCIS on?

Yes, in my living room right now. (+5)
It’s available on Netflix. (0)
Is that the show where the vampire lady helps her grandpa solve crimes? (-5)

 

6. Complete this sentence: If were to dress up like a nurse for Halloween, I would…

Wear white tenny shoes, a pressed skirt and blouse, and a hat with a red cross. (+5)
Wear scrubs. (0)
Be exposing most of my breasts. (-5)
Never be a nurse because I am a man. (+10)

 

7. Were you married to Ashton Kutcher?

No. (0)
Who? (Not yelling.) (-5)
WHO?! (Yelling.) (+5)
Yes. (+10)

 

8. Do you know the phone numbers for all of your family members and very close friends?

Mostly. (+5)
I know the numbers for the home I grew up in and for Jenny (867-5309). (0)
I do not understand any part of the answer immediately above. (-5)

 

9. Do your text messages use proper spelling and grammar?

no (-5)
Yes. (0)
Of course! Anything I sign my name to should be correct. (+5)

 

10. Finish this sentence: Email is…

How my teacher reminds me about assignments. (-5)
A non-eventful part of my every day life. (0)
Impersonal and at times frustrating. (+5)
How I forward a warning about the president being a Muslim terrorist to my pickle ball group. (+10)

 

All done! Now with just a bit of arithmetic you should know just how old–or not–you seem to the world around you.

 

 *There is less science in here than in an ISIS girl’s school.
**I’m told there are other countries in the world, but I didn’t read anything about them in People magazine,  which I assumed was exhaustive on the subject of all human beings. 
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Published on October 7, 2015 by .